I still remember the moment where I began to doubt if God was real. I had been struggling with understanding the gospel, and I asked to meet with a pastor at the church I had recently interned at. As I waited in the hallway, waiting for him to finish a conversation with someone else, I remember feeling embarrassed and small. I had grown up in church, and was ashamed I needed someone to explain the "basics" to me.
When he finally came out, he only gave me a few minutes of his time, effectively ending the conversation with the words, "Jenny, you already know all this. You don't need me to explain it to you." I felt humiliated; I had been forced to humble myself to even ask to speak with him, and I felt so discouraged that no one took my questions seriously.
I sat in my car outside of the B100 building, and I started my car to get the air conditioning going. As I sat there, in my sad little beat up Saturn, the thought crossed my mind... "If God is real, why does He let all these people hurt others, in His name?" That was when I began to wonder if God was real. A few weeks later, I had another blow to my self-esteem; a younger girl I had considered a friend, sent me a message about how she was praying for me, since she could tell my faith was weak. I was crushed. We messaged back and forth a few times, and with each reply, she got more and more condescending about how insecure, and sad I must be, and how obvious it was that I was struggling.
After the last message from her, I remember crying and as I sat there, it all came to a very obvious answer. Regardless of if God was real, I was SICK of Christians. As my tears dried, I spoke out loud; "If this is what Christians are like, I don't want to be associated with them."
My abusive ex boyfriend, the pastor rushing my questions about eternal salvation so he could go home and watch football, all my toxic friends, the graceless leaders I served with who used my prayer requests as fodder for gossip, every cruel word, thoughtless action, unforgiving heart, all of it led to this decision. I removed the label of Christian from myself, and left that mantle behind.
At first, I felt free. No longer was I held to these rigid rules of the Bible. I could swear with relish, I could go as far as I wanted with anyone I wanted, I could sleep in on Sundays, and I deleted the Bible app off of my phone, as I happily replaced it with Tinder. I didn't need to limit my search to Christian men only, the world was my oyster!
My moral compass was still dictated by my faith, no matter how hard I fought it. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with anyone, no matter how long we dated. I still felt guilty swearing, and guys who drank and slept in on Sundays were a huge turn off. I still wanted a Christian guy, even though I didn't identify as a Christian girl. I felt like I was in limbo, between where I was, and where I wanted to be.
A year passed, and I dated a few guys, but they quickly lost interest when I wouldn't sleep with them. When I started talking to Steven, I was originally grossed out by him. He was funny, but not attractive me to at all. I remember when I told him I thought we were better as friends, he immediately accused me of being shallow, and not giving him a chance. I finally agreed to go on one date, which went fine. We continued hanging out as friends, and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend, a few months later. At this point, I was working 80+ hour weeks, and I didn't have time to meet new people. I halfheartedly agreed, but told him I didn't want it anywhere on social media. (Man, I was such a jerk!)
This was around the time where I was really feeling lost and purposeless. I missed my relationship with God, but I was still hurt by all the people I had known from before. At some point, I humbled myself before God and realized that those people were human just like me, and I had done plenty of horrible, hurtful things to others as well. I was no better than them. I did months of research into different religions, science behind creation, etc. and it finally clicked when I was sitting in Starbucks, that God was real and I was able to have a personal relationship with Him. I looked up the gospel myself, and it was like the scales fell off my eyes. I was able to understand clearly, and see the grace I needed, and the sacrifice that had been given on my behalf. I was ashamed of my actions, and my rejection of the gift I had been offered. I sat there and prayed for the first time in a few years. It was a rusty prayer, with few words said, but the gist of it was that I missed Him, I wanted to come home like the prodigal son, and I asked God to help my unbelief. How basic am I, that I rededicated my life to God, in the middle of a Starbucks?
I still chuckle at that.
I got connected at a new church in Tempe, and Steven started going with me. I began to make God my priority, but it became increasingly obvious that Steven was just going through the motions.His life wasn't changed, and his sole focus was on himself and his own wants. There was no sacrifice, self-denial or kindness towards others. A few months into our pitiful relationship, we attended church and the message resonated with me all week. On Saturday afternoon, while working, I started thinking about "spiritual leadership". I called Steven and asked him if he would ever be a spiritual leader, and he asked me what that even meant. I was at a loss for words. What is a spiritual leader, anyway? I told him I would call him back. I immediately called my dad, and asked him what a spiritual leader was.
He replied with "Well a spiritual leader is someone who is always willing to do the right thing, even when it's hard. He would lead you and your children towards God, living his life as the example. He would love God first, and put you second, then your children. He would always encourage you in love, wanting you to improve, and pushing you to strive to do better."
Everything he said, I kept thinking about my good friend, Jared Hoffman. He had all those qualities, not Steven! I had so much admiration and respect for Jared, which made a startling contrast to how I felt about the guy I was dating. The main problem here was that Jared was in a relationship, and there was no end in sight.
I went home that night, and as I laid there, I felt like I was at a fork in the road. I could break up with Steven, and step into the unknown of what God wanted for me. Remember, my faith was still in the beginning stages again, so it's not like I had a ton of trust in God working things out in my life, quite yet. The alternative was to keep on doing what I was doing, which sadly, was not working out so well.
I guess we all know which decision I made. I broke up with Steven less than 24 hours after my conversation with my dad. Unbeknownst to me, Jared unexpectedly broke up with his girlfriend 3 days later, and the next day, we were inseparable. At first we grew in our friendship, talking about faith, our goals, and watching Hot Rod. A month later, we went on our first date, and then we were best friends who happened to make out every chance we had.... whoops. Five months later, he proposed, and we were married 11 months after he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Okay, this post got really out of control. It was supposed to be about what I believe about God, but it turned into me recounting my love story. I guess what I am trying to say here is that we can't allow our beliefs to be dictated by others and their behaviors. My faith is so much stronger now, and I am thankful for the people in my life, good or bad, and the impact they had on my life. Now here's some song lyrics from Jeremy Camp that tie in well, here:
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Yeah even when I cannot see, I still believe.
